angstzeit: (Default)
I'm pretty sure Franz Kafka is writing my life now.

I can't buy cold medicine because my driver's license expired.
angstzeit: (Default)
I'm pretty sure Franz Kafka is writing my life now.

I can't buy cold medicine because my driver's license expired.
angstzeit: (Default)
This year has started about as badly as I can remember one starting (though I may not remember even worse ones). My demons are more restless than they've been in many a long year. Of course it started last year, but somehow a new year and that vast barren expanse of January lying ahead leaves me to face these problems even as their cages crumble and they threaten to take me over. Of course that already have taken me over--I'm just having to deal with them without the pretty masks that I've tried to keep on them. They're all intertwined and run very deep.

I'm nauseous from the thoughts.

So where to from here?

I'm not entirely sure, but I have ideas on direction and though I can barely manage a crawl at the moment, that will have to do.

The truth is this is probably the best way to start a new year. Not full of chipper hope to once again try to spiff up life's shiny exterior. No, with that exterior falling apart. With the knowledge that I'm going to have to get a lot dirtier before I can find myself cleaner. Clinging to the tail-end of hope that the fire will purify and not consume. Searching behind the locked doors and deep catacombs where I keep the broken and soiled bits of myself.

So, yeah. That's where I am right now.
angstzeit: (Default)
This year has started about as badly as I can remember one starting (though I may not remember even worse ones). My demons are more restless than they've been in many a long year. Of course it started last year, but somehow a new year and that vast barren expanse of January lying ahead leaves me to face these problems even as their cages crumble and they threaten to take me over. Of course that already have taken me over--I'm just having to deal with them without the pretty masks that I've tried to keep on them. They're all intertwined and run very deep.

I'm nauseous from the thoughts.

So where to from here?

I'm not entirely sure, but I have ideas on direction and though I can barely manage a crawl at the moment, that will have to do.

The truth is this is probably the best way to start a new year. Not full of chipper hope to once again try to spiff up life's shiny exterior. No, with that exterior falling apart. With the knowledge that I'm going to have to get a lot dirtier before I can find myself cleaner. Clinging to the tail-end of hope that the fire will purify and not consume. Searching behind the locked doors and deep catacombs where I keep the broken and soiled bits of myself.

So, yeah. That's where I am right now.
angstzeit: (Default)
I have a talent. At least when I take the time to remember to use it. Like many talents I'm usually not aware of it until I experience someone who doesn't have it. I tend to call it "listening" but that isn't a very complete metaphor. It is sort of feeling how something wants to function. The classic example is folding a map. I've screwed that act up many times when I'm in a hurry. But when I take my time and "listen" for the map to tell me how it should be folded I can do it.
I think it comes down to the simple fact that everything has a tendency to want to function in a particular way. We all see this on the large scale--a hinge obviously bends easily on one axis but not the others. But I think this extends to a much deeper and broader level. A level you have to work to figure out. Further, I think this can be regularly seen in our lives. When things aren't working right, when we feel defeated by life, when things don't turn out as we want or expect what we're really doing is probably fighting the "flow" of the world. Swimming upstream as it were. When things seem to be going right we're probably in sync with the world and everything seems to work well.
Now obviously, this can seem a very fatalistic view. However, I don't think it is. Certainly, if this is true it will be easier to "go with the flow" but we don't always want that. But think of sailing. To someone who doesn't know sailing the fact the wind is blowing a certain direction suggests limited options for the direction of the sailboat. But experienced sailors can go any direction they want--but not directly. Sailors do what they call "tacking." This involves going upwind by zigzagging back and forth askew to the wind. It is a longer and harder course but it achieves the aim--and is a lot less effort than dropping sail and rowing into the wind directly.
So what does it all mean? Well, like regular listening, a very hard thing to do but can be learned, one can learn to "tune in" to the current of life. It will, like everything, be easier for some than others but often it is more a matter of shutting ourselves up so we can "hear" what the situation has to say. We are used to our brains and emotions immediately shouting all sorts of solutions or complaints or angers or sadnesses when things go wrong. Perhaps first, we should quiet those voices and just "listen." Then we can plot a course such that life powers us along rather than fights us.
angstzeit: (Default)
I have a talent. At least when I take the time to remember to use it. Like many talents I'm usually not aware of it until I experience someone who doesn't have it. I tend to call it "listening" but that isn't a very complete metaphor. It is sort of feeling how something wants to function. The classic example is folding a map. I've screwed that act up many times when I'm in a hurry. But when I take my time and "listen" for the map to tell me how it should be folded I can do it.
I think it comes down to the simple fact that everything has a tendency to want to function in a particular way. We all see this on the large scale--a hinge obviously bends easily on one axis but not the others. But I think this extends to a much deeper and broader level. A level you have to work to figure out. Further, I think this can be regularly seen in our lives. When things aren't working right, when we feel defeated by life, when things don't turn out as we want or expect what we're really doing is probably fighting the "flow" of the world. Swimming upstream as it were. When things seem to be going right we're probably in sync with the world and everything seems to work well.
Now obviously, this can seem a very fatalistic view. However, I don't think it is. Certainly, if this is true it will be easier to "go with the flow" but we don't always want that. But think of sailing. To someone who doesn't know sailing the fact the wind is blowing a certain direction suggests limited options for the direction of the sailboat. But experienced sailors can go any direction they want--but not directly. Sailors do what they call "tacking." This involves going upwind by zigzagging back and forth askew to the wind. It is a longer and harder course but it achieves the aim--and is a lot less effort than dropping sail and rowing into the wind directly.
So what does it all mean? Well, like regular listening, a very hard thing to do but can be learned, one can learn to "tune in" to the current of life. It will, like everything, be easier for some than others but often it is more a matter of shutting ourselves up so we can "hear" what the situation has to say. We are used to our brains and emotions immediately shouting all sorts of solutions or complaints or angers or sadnesses when things go wrong. Perhaps first, we should quiet those voices and just "listen." Then we can plot a course such that life powers us along rather than fights us.

Death.

Sep. 12th, 2006 03:15 pm
angstzeit: (Default)
It has been called an affair of the living and it most certainly is. As I just commented to someone, death defines life. Not only as its opposite but life simply wouldn't be possible without death.
I've dealt with my omnivorous diet and the life I live in terms of death. While the Jains may try their damnedest, it is, I believe, impossible to live without benefiting from suffering and death. One can certainly alter the amount, bit not rid themselves of it completely. And as one diminishes the death one causes, one also diminishes the tangential benefits that other living things gain from that death. It is amazing to me how we lock our dead bodies in steel and concrete to retard as long as possible our reintegration with the life cycle of others. Surely this is as selfish as eating meat?

From the movie Circle of Iron:

Blind wanderer (after catching a fish): A fish saved my life once.

The seeker: How?

Blind wanderer: I ate him.

I love those lines, because there is a obvious meaning and a deeper meaning behind them in that they are uttered by a wise man. With the power of death comes a very great responsibility as with most things in life. It is incumbent upon us to understand who we are and where we are in this universe. As an Existentialist, I believe we define humanity with our actions. So we must temper our selfishness lest it be returned upon us. Like it or not we are part of something very large. So we must face and understand all our actions and their consequences. We must face the ugly as well as the beautiful. To do less is to abdicate our responsibility to ourselves and the world.

Death.

Sep. 12th, 2006 03:15 pm
angstzeit: (Default)
It has been called an affair of the living and it most certainly is. As I just commented to someone, death defines life. Not only as its opposite but life simply wouldn't be possible without death.
I've dealt with my omnivorous diet and the life I live in terms of death. While the Jains may try their damnedest, it is, I believe, impossible to live without benefiting from suffering and death. One can certainly alter the amount, bit not rid themselves of it completely. And as one diminishes the death one causes, one also diminishes the tangential benefits that other living things gain from that death. It is amazing to me how we lock our dead bodies in steel and concrete to retard as long as possible our reintegration with the life cycle of others. Surely this is as selfish as eating meat?

From the movie Circle of Iron:

Blind wanderer (after catching a fish): A fish saved my life once.

The seeker: How?

Blind wanderer: I ate him.

I love those lines, because there is a obvious meaning and a deeper meaning behind them in that they are uttered by a wise man. With the power of death comes a very great responsibility as with most things in life. It is incumbent upon us to understand who we are and where we are in this universe. As an Existentialist, I believe we define humanity with our actions. So we must temper our selfishness lest it be returned upon us. Like it or not we are part of something very large. So we must face and understand all our actions and their consequences. We must face the ugly as well as the beautiful. To do less is to abdicate our responsibility to ourselves and the world.

March 2016

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