angstzeit: (Default)
This year has started about as badly as I can remember one starting (though I may not remember even worse ones). My demons are more restless than they've been in many a long year. Of course it started last year, but somehow a new year and that vast barren expanse of January lying ahead leaves me to face these problems even as their cages crumble and they threaten to take me over. Of course that already have taken me over--I'm just having to deal with them without the pretty masks that I've tried to keep on them. They're all intertwined and run very deep.

I'm nauseous from the thoughts.

So where to from here?

I'm not entirely sure, but I have ideas on direction and though I can barely manage a crawl at the moment, that will have to do.

The truth is this is probably the best way to start a new year. Not full of chipper hope to once again try to spiff up life's shiny exterior. No, with that exterior falling apart. With the knowledge that I'm going to have to get a lot dirtier before I can find myself cleaner. Clinging to the tail-end of hope that the fire will purify and not consume. Searching behind the locked doors and deep catacombs where I keep the broken and soiled bits of myself.

So, yeah. That's where I am right now.
angstzeit: (Default)
This year has started about as badly as I can remember one starting (though I may not remember even worse ones). My demons are more restless than they've been in many a long year. Of course it started last year, but somehow a new year and that vast barren expanse of January lying ahead leaves me to face these problems even as their cages crumble and they threaten to take me over. Of course that already have taken me over--I'm just having to deal with them without the pretty masks that I've tried to keep on them. They're all intertwined and run very deep.

I'm nauseous from the thoughts.

So where to from here?

I'm not entirely sure, but I have ideas on direction and though I can barely manage a crawl at the moment, that will have to do.

The truth is this is probably the best way to start a new year. Not full of chipper hope to once again try to spiff up life's shiny exterior. No, with that exterior falling apart. With the knowledge that I'm going to have to get a lot dirtier before I can find myself cleaner. Clinging to the tail-end of hope that the fire will purify and not consume. Searching behind the locked doors and deep catacombs where I keep the broken and soiled bits of myself.

So, yeah. That's where I am right now.
angstzeit: (Default)
A few shots from our New Year's Eve hike.

The promised hike pics. )
angstzeit: (Default)
A few shots from our New Year's Eve hike.

The promised hike pics. )

Evil drive.

Jan. 1st, 2008 09:51 pm
angstzeit: (Default)
Well, that sucked. Ice, blowing snow, white outs, whee!

The trip back to Chicago wasn't a cakewalk, but we made it. Central Illinois is no place to be driving today--the many cars in the ditches attest to that.

But I'm happy we're home and I can relax now. No more long trips for a while. The cats will be pleased about that too.

I'll post some exciting hike pics tomorrow.

Evil drive.

Jan. 1st, 2008 09:51 pm
angstzeit: (Default)
Well, that sucked. Ice, blowing snow, white outs, whee!

The trip back to Chicago wasn't a cakewalk, but we made it. Central Illinois is no place to be driving today--the many cars in the ditches attest to that.

But I'm happy we're home and I can relax now. No more long trips for a while. The cats will be pleased about that too.

I'll post some exciting hike pics tomorrow.
angstzeit: (Default)
As a child, I went on entirely too many long car rides. Hated every one. But it left me lots of time to think. And a thought that started coming regularly was about journeying in general--how time and movement affect one. I'd see the other cars and wonder if they were closer or further from home. At the beginning or end of their trip. And I always wondered how I'd feel at the end of the trip. The journey set arbitrary points in space and time for me to compare. So I'd look forward at the beginning and back at the end.

The changing of the year is the same for me. An arbitrary point at which I can look forward and back. Not so much at the expanse between, but comparing where I thought I'd be to where I am to where I think I'll be. Certainly, there are more important marks in life--important journeys that begin and end when they will. But turning of the year is a regular sampling. Something that can be plotted on the graph of my life.
angstzeit: (Default)
As a child, I went on entirely too many long car rides. Hated every one. But it left me lots of time to think. And a thought that started coming regularly was about journeying in general--how time and movement affect one. I'd see the other cars and wonder if they were closer or further from home. At the beginning or end of their trip. And I always wondered how I'd feel at the end of the trip. The journey set arbitrary points in space and time for me to compare. So I'd look forward at the beginning and back at the end.

The changing of the year is the same for me. An arbitrary point at which I can look forward and back. Not so much at the expanse between, but comparing where I thought I'd be to where I am to where I think I'll be. Certainly, there are more important marks in life--important journeys that begin and end when they will. But turning of the year is a regular sampling. Something that can be plotted on the graph of my life.

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